


Picking up the Pieces

by awed_frog



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Don't we deserve some pink in our lives?, Episode: s10e23 My Brother's Keeper, Fluff, M/M, Meta, happy thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-04-02 01:56:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4041277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awed_frog/pseuds/awed_frog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There wasn’t much to like in the season finale, that’s true. But, well, today I’m feeling like there’s too much mess out there in the so-called real world to be unhappy about television as well, so here goes - a 100% pink and fluffy meta so that I can force myself to like this show enough to keep reading fanfiction about it (because, well, if I don’t finish that bloody Agincourt thing it’s going to haunt me forever).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Picking up the Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> If you need some extra cheeriness, I highly advise keeping an Alexander Rybak playlist on while you're reading.
> 
> Also, seperis' _Down to Agincourt_ series is awesome - I never meant to imply otherwise.

I liked the title. Apparently it was supposed to be _My brother’s keeper_ , which, of course, is a direct link to the _Bible_ and not a very appealing sentence (come on, it makes Cain look like a 12-year old boy - _I_ saw _you throwing that pen, Jimmy, so if I’m_ asking _you about it is to give you the opportunity to apologize, not to hear your sassy answers_ ). _Brother’s Keeper_ , on the other hand, is apparently the title of a 1992 movie, and, as _Supernatural_ episodes are frequently about movies, I randomly decided the article change is definitely a conscious reference to it. Which is interesting, because this particular movie is a documentary about a possible fratricide in a rural community - according to IMDB, those brothers are not educated, they are wild and uncouth, the sort of people one would look down to, and yet their love for each other is so pure (some say, bordering on incest) that we end up being humbled by it. In the end, we have to accept that maybe those ‘people in suit’ trying to bring the murderer to justice are not the good guys at all. Now, unfortunately I haven’t seen this documentary, which is described as one of the best of all times, but it really looks like the writers are trying to apologize here, and telling us to keep our faith. And this is a very, very sugary meta, so why not? 

I liked the whole Rowena thing. I will not say what I think about Rowena because this is a cute-as-bunnies post, but I liked her in the finale. People are boring when they still have something to lose, and they become interesting when they just don’t care anymore. And, again, I won’t mention a single thing about the Oskar storyline, but I liked the fact that she could, and did, love someone, even if apparently she didn’t love him enough to back out of a terrible deal which would clearly unleash Hell (well, maybe as the Queen Mother of Hell she doesn’t worry that much about it). I also liked the fact that she was the one to sacrifice something in that spell they used, because, as far as we can tell, that’s how magic works. The casters always make themselves terribly vulnerable. It’s her magic, after all, her knowledge and her skill that are making the spell possible, so it seems fair that she’s the one who pays a heavy price for that in return. Also, Rowena will always have a special place in my heart for being, like, the only character so far to acknowledge that Cas is not human. I loved her ‘a dog that thinks he’s people’ definition to bits, and she will surely do something interesting with that book, so, well - see you next season, Rowena!

I liked Crowley. Not that I’m expecting any thanks for this, because, surely, everybody likes Crowley, all the time? I found a _tumblr_ post suggesting a spin-off consisting purely in Crowley talking to hamsters - and I can totally get behind that. I mean, sometimes I remember that he tortured Samandriel, and then I think that maybe this whole loving Crowley thing got a bit out of hand (I had to find a self-help group just to help me realise that Tate Langdon was actually _not_ the best boyfriend ever) - but then Crowley opens his mouth, and well. Now, I know what Crowley said to Sam in that other episode, but this is a heart-warming post of pure positivity, so I’ll forget about glaring plot holes. Instead, I’ll focus on something else: the fact that Crowley said what he said to Sam, not Dean. Crowley loves Dean (everybody loves Dean except for John, and here is the _Supernatural_ plot, and the source of all their narrative problems, in a nutshell), so it would have been weird for him _not_ to try and save Dean’s life. I also loved his interactions with Cas ( _Who summons anymore?_ ), how he asked him to beg, and how he always seems to know more than everybody else on this show. Plus, his entrance into Oskar’s bar was bure BAMF. It looks like nobody can ruin this character, no matter how hard they try. I really don’t know how they’re planning to save his life, but his genuine begging at the end, an obvious mirror from his arrogant request ten minutes before that, was delicious.

I liked Cas, but then again, I always do. I know, I know - we all wanted him to sacrifice his Grace for Dean, but, in the end, I’m glad he didn’t. Cas doesn’t have to prove he loves Dean (because he does: let’s see it as angelic love, or brotherly love if we want to, but at this point it’s impossible to deny that he does, and he even admitted as much himself). How many times has he already proven that he’s ready to lose his life and sanity for Dean, to turn his back on his family, on God himself, for Dean? Only last week he refused to raise a hand against Dean, even to protect himself, and he made clear he would watch over Dean forever, so, well, what more do we want? Except for some fluffy smooching, that is? And there’s something else, as well - from a narrative point of view, I think they made the right choice. They’ve explored the whole ‘Cas as a human’ thing (badly, I grant you, but they’ve been there) and Cas is much more interesting with his Grace than without. As an angel, he has access to all those other storylines they’ve forgotten about - Heaven and the heavenly wars, Metatron, the search for God. Plus, the Winchesters need some _deus ex machina_ to get them out of trouble, because God knows they’re such morons they seem to be in trouble all the time. So, yes, I’m incredibly happy that Cas survived the finale and that he managed to survive it with his wings (more or less) intact. 

I liked Death, ‘nuff said. Death is awesome.

And, coming up to what everyone is torturing themselves about - how about we don’t? How about a huge, pinkish rainbow for bloody once? Let’s focus on the good things before we drown, shall we? Because, well, we deserve it, full stop. So I will be positive and I will go ahead and say it: personally, now I had some time to calm down, I think I liked the whole showdown between the brothers, tbh. Ironically enough, I don’t normally like either of them all that much, mostly because they seem to be the same characters they were ten years ago and because they are mean to my puppy-eyed angel of the Lord, but I liked them in the finale. I liked that Sam was ready to die, and that Dean was ready to kill him. I liked that, in the finale, Sam was clearly as unhinged, if not more, than Dean was, and the reason I liked that is because I see this as evidence that Sam is growing up. I know, I know, codependency and all, but let’s stay positive for a minute - what always irked me about Sam is that (despite his superior learning and outstanding emotional awareness) he always was kind of teenagery in his relationship to Dean. He often acted as though Dean’s love for him were a nuisance, as Dean just needed to tone it down, because _Mom! Stop embarrassing me!_ \- because Dean, for all his other faults, always loved Sammy like a parent - fiercely and unconditionally. Sam, on the other hand (though I’m sure he loves his brother just as much), has this vibe going on, this _I’m going off to college and never call you again because I’m a grown up now_ thing. So I liked that, for bloody once, Sam seems to realize what losing his brother means, and he’s ready to do the impossible to save him, but, at the very end, he’s also ready to respect Dean's decisions and tell him that (symbolically) he’ll always be there for him. That bit with the photographs was really, really moving. Also, I think this episode provided us with an even deeper perspective of what’s really going on inside the Winchesters’ brains. Sam seems to finally be getting off that ‘the end justifies the needs’ train he’s been on from season 1, and Dean - Dean was ready to sacrifice himself _and_ his baby brother for the greater good. I know he doesn’t do it, but I think he honestly meant to, and that’s a huge character leap, because every other time that Dean has been ready to sacrifice himself, he was always doing it to keep Sam from harm. That was always his non-negotiable condition for everything: that Sammy should be safe. So, well, seeing him with that scythe, and the whole _Sammy, close your eyes_ was really something. Also, I may be over-reading this, but that whole exchange with the McKinleys just made Dean’s character and sexuality so much clearer in my mind. I mean, how he could recognize an abusive father at once (and what does he look at? the photo showing McKinley embracing his daughter), all that talk about Rose suffering from abuse and seeking validation by being a slut - in my mind, and in addition to everything else, this makes it canon - Dean _did_ recognise his father was abusive even as a teenager, and he _did_ slip away to seek comfort from strangers, and yes, there’s a very good chance most of those strangers would have been men, and so on, and so forth. So when he’s talking about Rose, he’s really talking about himself: it’s not about _her_ \- Dean _himself_ is the slut (his one-night stands, the fact he has to lie or get paid to get someone into his bed, his addiction to porn); he is the one who followed the wrong path because he was looking for validation in all the wrong places, and we know the prospect of imminent death has lead Dean to regret all this. He now wonders if his job does more harm than good, and wishes to experience people and feelings in a different way. So, yes, even the brothers were pretty much okay for me in this finale. 

And I liked the idea of The Darkness, even. Sure, it does take away something from Lucifer, but, on the other hand, the older I get the less I believe in pure evil, and _Supernatural_ seems to be going the same way. After all, we’re all victims, aren’t we? Saying that someone does what he does because he’s evil is just bad writing. Now, granted, they could mix and match motivations a bit (absent parents, anyone?), but, well, family _does_ define us, and the trope has been working for 3000 years, so why change it now? No, I actually hope they bring Lucifer back and show us what he was truly like (the commander of the Heavenly Host! the Morning Star!) before being turned into this jealous, bitter half-thing by the Mark. And something else to be excited about: if they decide to use actual screenwriters and not, say, trained koalas, a threat as big as The Darkness will require allies in unusual places and compromises with enemies and the works, so it looks like season 11 will stray from the traditional path (the Winchesters working with each other against the rest of the world and calling Cas when they bump into something) into something more epic. Yay for that!

As for Destiel - as i said, I am forcing myself to write something full of kittens and unicorns, so I don’t want to say anything about the possibility of Destiel becoming canon or Dean and Cas’ interactions in season 10. Instead, I want to focus on the following: whatever they do with it, Dean and Cas do share a ‘profound bond’, and this bond can never be broken. If they didn’t mean to walk into this - well done, they’re idiots. What matters is, they’ve painted themselves into a corner and they’re not getting out. In a way, therefore, it doesn’t even matter what happens next - because reality is pretty black and white, at this point (in my head, anyway). Here is a little meta in the meta about why it's inevitable that those two characters have forged, and will continue to forge, the strongest relationship in the show.

So, first of all, what’s going on with Dean? Well: Dean was never good enough, and has always been abandoned, by everyone. This is his defining characteristic. He was always second best. As a small kid, he was abandoned by his mother, who chose to die to save his brother (I know, I know, but this _is_ what happened, isn’t it?, and let’s remember that adult!Dean had told his mother this would happen, had begged her not to walk into that nursery). I am not saying Dean blames her in any way for what happened (hell, who would?), but this is how things went down, all the same. John also takes Dean for granted, because Dean is the big brother, and the obedient son. The Shtriga episode was particularly disturbing - Sam was almost killed, that’s true, but Dean was scarred for life (as is confirmed by adult!Dean). He also needed to be hugged, to be told it wasn’t his fault, and that, apparently, never happened. So Dean tried to toughen up, to be better, to be everything his father wanted him to be, and John still left him, without even saying goodbye, and assumed Dean would soldier on (I mean, he gave his number to every crazy-infested person in the bloody country). John didn’t bother to pick up the phone when he heard Dean crying, begging him to come back, saying he couldn’t do it alone. He didn’t even show up when Dean was given two weeks to live - and we know Dean noticed this, and (rightly) resented his father for this. Furthermore, John does get his Big Emotional Moment - he gets to admit the way he raised his sons was not ideal, and that he wishes Dean to have a proper home - and he shares this with Sam, not Dean. And, speaking about Sam - Dean is also left behind by Sam, several times. We know Sam left his father and his brother as soon as he could and never looked back (he could have checked in with Dean, at least; he didn’t). There are, in fact, countless episodes in which Sam is quite clear about all of it, in varying degrees of scorn and exasperated kindness: the fact that he doesn’t want to live like his brother does, that he disapproves of his choices, his lifestyle, his behaviour, that he resents Dean for having dragged him back in. If memory serves, whenever the brothers fight, Sam is always the one to walk away and not look back, whereas Dean (big brother Dean) is the one trying to reach out and call him back. For all his talk of rejecting ‘chick-flick moments’, Dean said some pretty emotional things to Sam over the years, while Sam has been (in my perception) a bit more volatile about what, exactly, he wants out of this relationship with his brother. As I said before, I perceive Dean’s love for Sam as the love a parent has for their child (Dean loves Sam especially when Sam does something wrong), whereas Sam expresses himself more like a teenager (resenting his brother and lashing out whenever he believes to be in the right). Now, this is to be expected, considering how they grew up, but it’s still not a healthy dynamic between siblings, which is why I found Sam’s character arc in this respect very moving.

Now, for most (all?) of his life Dean had no real friends, or friends of any description; in fact, I think it’s significant that, as I’m sure countless other people have said better than me, the few friends Dean has are sexually non-threatening people he can classify as family (older, straight as an arrow Bobbie, lesbian Charlie, openly straight Kevin); on those rare occasions he managed to be friends with someone he could be sleeping with (Jo) he feels almost compelled to make a move, because he just doesn’t know how to behave in such a situation. And if on the friendship front things are pretty dire, Dean's love life is even worse. We know Dean tried (and failed) to have a normal relationship in his teens (and it’s pretty telling that Robin, who was such a defining person for him, doesn’t seem to even remember he existed when he shows up 15 years later). We are pretty sure of the fact he sold himself for money at some point, and this goes a long way towards explaining the glaring disrespect he has for his occasional sexual partners (especially in the earlier seasons, Dean would routinely lie to the women he met). We also know Dean had two ‘normal’ relationships in his life (with Cassie and with Lisa), and that both women abandoned him when they discovered what he truly was.

Now, Cassie first (and let’s not mention her name, because this is a ray-of-sunshine meta). Dean said he met her while on a job with his father, so we can assume (also because of her age) that this happened after Sam had left. Which means that Dean was in his early twenties, a grown man, and yet, despite a life of military discipline and secrecy rules, he told the truth about his life to a girl he’d been dating for two weeks. Two weeks! And when they see each other again, it’s clear he’s not over it - a two-weeks relationship! I’m going to say this again, because it’s a fun word to type: two _weeks_. Dean is _so_ inexperienced in emotional matters and _so_ starved for affection that he fell head over heels in love with a girl he’d only just met and told her everything about his life after two bloody weeks; and, again, he was _so_ inexperienced in emotional matters and _so_ starved for affection that he sort of pined over her for years, was humiliatingly delighted to see her again, immediately risked his life for her (well, admittedly, he risks his life for everybody, but still) and at the end - at the end he broke the Macho Rule Number One and flat-out told her he wanted a relationship with her. And even after she turned him down, he still insisted ( _I’ve seen stranger things happen_ ). Now, I know that not all men are incapable of commitment, but Dean’s behaviour with Cassie seemingly contradicts most of his persona so far - except it doesn’t, because, as it becomes even clearer in later seasons (but, to be fair, it was clear from the start - what about that doppelganger who took Dean’s shape and memories?), Dean feels everybody will leave him in the end, because, well, everybody has. And I won’t even get into what happens with Lisa, because I think it’s quite transparent for anyone who has eyes - it doesn’t even matter if Dean was with Lisa to dull his pain over losing Cas and Sam, or to play father, or because he genuinely loved her - the bottom line is always the same: Dean cannot help who he is, doesn’t want to (or can’t) change who he is, and people do not want to be with him because of that.

Enter Castiel, Angel of the Lord.

Now, Cas is immediately introduced as a being beyond the whatever of whateverness. As an angel, he represents that ‘other side’ the Winchesters never knew existed. He can get in and out of Hell, and basically do whatever he pleases inside it. He has actual, BAMFery wings. He seems to be invulnerable (although there are, in fact, two things that can harm him) and immortal (and he is - unless wounded by those very special things). He makes it clear, several times, that he sees things in a completely different way because he can see the past (hell, he can move around inside the past) and has an idea about the direction the future will take (he can also move around inside the future). And did I mention he could fly? And freeze time? And heal all wounds? And bring people back to life? And that he looks eerily like dreamy actor Misha Collins?

Also: Cas has seen Dean at his very worst. He knows Dean intimately, his every thought and feeling and memory, because he put him back together (imagine someone knowing everything, literally _everything_ about you: your embarrassing daydreams, the things you’re ashamed of, your petty lies, your feelings of inadequacy - and, if you’re Dean Winchester, that moment as a kid you wished your brother had never been born so your mom would still be alive, all those time you hated your dad and then felt dreadfully guilty about it, and when you wished you could buy a house in some town so you could have a Christmas tree and never mind those strangers who would die because your daddy couldn’t get to them, and the things you’ve killed, perhaps enjoyed killing, the women you’ve lied to, the men you serviced for money). Seriously, let’s take a moment to appreciate the fact that not even the strongest relationships (devoted spouses who’ve known each other since childhood, parents and kids) are blessed (or cursed) with this level of intimacy. No, we are talking about something unprecedented here, and profoundly unbalanced, at that - because, of course, Dean doesn’t know anything about Cas. He has to go to a witch to even find out Cas’ name, and he has no hope of ever truly understanding Cas’ thoughts and feelings - Cas is just too _other_. It will take Dean _years_ to even begin to glimpse what Cas is. 

And another thing: when Cas reaches Dean in Hell, he finds Dean working as a torturer at the beck and call of a demon; he knows, in fact, that Dean single-handedly kickstarted the Apocalypse. He sees with his own eyes how deeply unworthy Dean is of everything. Forget love, forget affection: Dean doesn’t think he deserved to be _alive_. He always felt wrong and inadequate, but when he first meets Cas, he feels downright suicidal. Well: not exactly suicidal - he never wanted to die - but he knows he doesn’t deserves to live because of what he did in Hell.

And yet, despite all this, Cas sticks with Dean. He protects him, supports him, listens to him cry and laugh and rage, tolerates his insults and lack of faith, rebels for him, dies for him - over and over and over. Cas becomes this one person who never abandons Dean, never gives up on him, even if he knows full well what Dean is, what he has done and what he’s prepared to do. In fact, Cas even does the unthinkable - he comes to accept that, for Dean, Sam will always come first - and we are shown this very clearly - how in the beginning, Cas threatens Sam, refuses to see or understand the fact that Dean will always, always act to protect his brother - and then, as their friendship grows, Cas becomes Sam’s guardian as much as Dean’s (and, arguably, not because he likes Sam, though, by the end, he seems to like him well enough, but because by protecting Sam he is following Dean’s wishes). 

So, well, here it is. It doesn’t even matter that Cas is an angel, or that he looks like a man, or that he has these smitey blue eyes and a voice like sandpaper - Dean was destined to fall in love with him _in any case_. Cas could have been a magical sheep - it wouldn’t have mattered. If that magical sheep had been the one creature to stick with Dean after a life of abandonment, well, Dean would happily gone the Welsh way (no offense to Wales; I love Wales).

And for this very reason, I am trying, very hard, not to care about everything else - about an unequal past and an uncertain future, about external pressure and ratings and internal backstabbing. I am trying to feel pink and fluffy instead, because it is glaringly obvious that these two characters just fit together and nothing anybody can do to them (God!Cas, human!Cas, demon!Dean, and whatever else, including keeping them apart for half a season) can separate them. Because even if Dean should fall in love with a busty Asian lady tomorrow and enjoy the most epic romance in the history of romances, Cas would still be his first. The first person to love him, to be on his side unconditionally, to die for him, and to tell him it was all worth it. And, whatever TPTB say, Cas was clearly also the first person to teach Dean what romantic love is all about - to show him that a relationship can develop between friends and equals, can be based on trust, not lies; to teach him that we are allowed to be vulnerable, sometimes, and that, as the Japanese say, true beauty and perfection are in the cracks that show we were once broken. 

So I raise my glass (well: my _Sherlock_ mug) to celebrate the end of season 10, and here’s to season 11: to death and gore and adventure; to things, people, and feelings that we will experience differently than we have before, and maybe even for the first time.


End file.
